Jokistan

There was A Little Boy Who Brong His Cat To School` So The Teacher Asks Him " Why Did You Bring Your Cat To School" & The Kid Says " My Dad Told My Mom Ama Eat That PUSSY Wheen He Leaves!

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Sent from Android Funny Jokes

A person asks a porcupine for her biggest wish in life....

She starts crying and asks for a big tight hug!

mard :chera davamon mishe asabi nemishi ?
zan :khodamo kontrol mikonam.
mard :chejori?
zan : tovaleto mishoram.
mard :che rabti dare ?
zan :akhe ba mesvake to mishoram.

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pool?
You see round slippers by the pool.

How does an elephant hide in a field of strawberries?
It puts on red nail polish.

The Pope, GW Bush, and a kid are in on a private jet. The plane is
crashing and the two pilots jump out quickly. There are two
parachutes left. GW is scared. He quickly takes one and says I'm
American and I get what I want. He jumps out. The Pope looks at the
kid and says, "kid, you are young... I want you to live. You take the
last parachute". The kid says "don't worry man, he jumped out with my
back pack".

A tork, german, and italian are getting executed one at a time. The
german goes up. When they are ready to shoot him, he screams
earthquake. There is a bit of confusion and he manages to escape.
The Italian goes up. He yells flood, everyone panics, and he manges
to escape. The tork goes up. And he screams fire!

An engineer is describing this story to another engineer friend. One
day he sees a beautiful girl riding her bike. He quickly notices that
a car is going to hit her. He jumps in and stops the accident. And
luckily he doesn't get hurt. She is touched by this, takes off all
her clothes and says 'take anything you want'. He's confused for a
while and finally decides to take her bike. When he finishes
telling this story to his engineer friend, his friend says "that was
the right thing, her clothes would not have worked for you".

Very offensive and yet very funny:

I heard on the radio, an Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Seven to Twenty One times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Concul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too

Concul: Man,.........i isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'.
At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech'. When I was
eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy speech'. Now if
you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll
have nothing left to live for."

http://grad.icmc.usp.br/~cipriani/bighole.php?lang=en

John: Dad can u write in the dark? Dad: I think so. What is it u want me
2 write. John: Ur signature on this report card

What did the postcard say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go
places.

How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a hand!

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and
groom.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken

Was Dracula ever married? No, he was a bat-chelor!

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? The girl necks door!

What's an ig? An Eskimo's house without a loo.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He
threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was
looking for loopholes!

How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to
move.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It
might be your bicycle.

What's the definition of mixed emotions? Watching your attorney drive
over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were
mummies.

What happens to cows during an earthquake? They give milk shakes!

They just want to eat the animals first to prevent them from eating vegetables.

I love elephant jokes. Here are some more

1) How do you fit 4 elephants in a Toyota Camry?

Two in the front, two in the back

2) How do know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?

The door won't close

3) How do you know there are 2 elephants in your refrigerator?

You'll hear them whispering

4) How do you know there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator?

You'll see footmarks in the butter.

5) How do you know there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator?

There is a Toyota Camry parked outside.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think
through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK,
even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes..

http://www.bluedonut.com/100jokes.htm

e.g.

"Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them
and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets
and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other
and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says."

You Know You're From San Francisco When...


Someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know
the drivers have never seen it.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in July must be visiting from Ohio.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....and it's not the first
time you have seen him/her nude.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide
between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building
your own web site class.

You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved
to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your
life depended on it.

You were born somewhere else.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater
and a wetsuit for the beach.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "Free Tibet" bumper
sticker - and you mean it.

When you drive under an underpass - for one moment you think "earthquake".

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Texas.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than
California State Flags.

You go to your office manager's baby shower - the parent's are named
Judy and Becky.

When your church elects a new Bishop who abandoned his family and two
young daughters to fulfill his sexual urges with another man.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
San Francisco.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/awfulweatherman2.html

You have to love Ohio. Thanks for giving us Bush.

The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force
One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very
happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills
out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his
co-pilot, "You believe those big shots back there? Hell, we could
throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very
happy!"

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and
asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice
during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the
ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill
from the lawyer.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey

"hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

A guy was walking around with one arm high up in the air -- like the Nazis. It turns out he took a Viagara and it got stuck in his throat.

Q: When do you believe a politician?
A: When what he says has been officially denied.

(Copyright: M.C. RR 2004)

[[In every country, there is a group of people that are considered
stupid and people make good fun of them (ie: blonds in the US). The
best part about these jokes is that one can simply interchange the
type of the stupid person to retrofit it for the proper audience.
We're going to call all such characters SantaJi. Maybe we'll create
a Chinese character for the name to make it more universal and treat
the name like the legend that he is. This idea is patent pending.]]

SantaJi always wanted to marry a virgin. In fact, he told his
future in-laws that if the girl is not a virgin, he'd divorce her. After
a big wedding, he marries his dream girl -- SakinehJiJi. Every thing
goes well until the second night where he gets really mad and wants a
divorce because SakinehJiJi is not a virgin. His father comes and
asks why he did not do this on the first night. SantaJi says that
SakinehJiJi was a virgin on the first night!

In a science class, the teacher asked the student if they know what Viagara is. One student raised his hand and said that it's for diahrrhea. The teacher looked confused and asked the student why. The student said, "because my mom gave it to my dad last night and said, come, take this and maybe your shit will get hard".